Who are You?

For some reason I was just sitting here thinking of a new blog entry, and I didn't know what to put. So I sat here and thought for a few seconds about my other blog entries and it reminded me of my life. I couldn't help but ask myself, how did I get here? How did I become this person I am? How will I become the person I want to be? What made me so cynical, so much of a narcissist? How did I turn into such a negative person?

As I type this I am still thinking of the paths I took to become the way I am. I suppose the first place anyone starts is with their home life and childhood. Well, I was the youngest of 4, my brother was never around, so the only male contact I had was with my dad who was always working in the daytime. I still got to spend plenty of time with him and I have always looked up to him, but I never really enjoyed the things he had done. My love for baseball didn't come until I was put into little league, and I hated it then because that was the point in life where I started gaining weight and I couldn't breathe when I ran. I have always dreamed of playing a game of catch with my dad just because of the way it is portrayed on the television, but I'm really happy doing woodworking with him instead. The other two siblings are obviously girls, with my brother being the oldest. My sisters have always tortured me, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Whether it was eating yellow snow in the kitchen, hanging from a ceiling fan by my red overalls, or being locked in a suitcase when me and Heather were doing a magic trick for my mom, these are the memories I love.

I was also in boy scouts which I gave up on because I got mad at some people who either wouldn't leave me alone or who I thought lied to me. One good instance I remember in this time was when the scout troop was having a meeting at our leaders house. The meeting had finished and we were free to play around their yard until our parents picked us up. At this point and time I really had a huge crush on this one girl from my church, and a good friend of mine, my best friend at the time, who had previously stolen from me had taken her a few weeks after I told him I liked this girl, so naturally I was upset. Well the day at the meeting I went and jumped on the scout leader's trampoline. I eventually got tired and sad because I was thinking of this girl, she was constantly on my mind. So I sat on the trampoline and started pouting. Well, another scout from my troop came and got on the trampoline and saw me crying. He asked me if I was alright and I told him that I was just a little sad. But he kept bugging me even after I told him to go away, he even told me that he wanted to be a psychologist when he grew up and that he could help me. What I said next is kinda fuzzy, always has been, but I said something along the lines of wanting to kill the boy from my youth group, out of anger that he had "stolen" this girl from me. Well the kid on the trampoline finally left me alone after I said this and he went and told his mom that I wanted to kill my youth group. They then informed the sheriff's department who paid me a visit and had my mom bring me to the juvenile detention center to be questioned by the cops. All of this time I just wanted to be left alone to sulk, but people just kept letting themselves in. They asked me what I said and I told them, but even when my mom asked me about the girl I never revealed the truth. I still never admitted it to this day. But that left me crying, and it also made me believe that the only reason I wasn't left in juvy hall that day was because I got out of it balling my eyes out like a newborn. A week later my brother came to visit and called me little mister columbine or something like that because he read the sheriff's report. By the way, genius didn't turn out to be a psychologist. Instead he is working at the ambulance service with my dad.lol Good karma there.

Even before this there was an event that happened that caused my distrust in people. Once again I had a big crush on this one girl in grade school and everyone knew about it. But I guess my best friend at this time didn't know about it because I told him one day on the bus that I liked her and a few days later he suddenly developed a big crush on her. And of course there was the girl at Camp Allen I had noticed and had a crush on. I met another guy there and we started hanging out and teaching each other card games and we grew close. Well one night we were in the chapel getting ready for the service to start and he pointed out the girl in lime green clothes, she apparently liked lime green clothes because she wore them all week, and told me that he had developed a little bit of a crush on her. We l hadn't told him that I had a crush on her, but that didn't stop me from standing up, knocking a chair over, and running to the back of the room to get away from him.

Just in these last few stories I see a few things that are popping up. My anger, my mistrust, my narcissism, my pessimism, my disbelief in such a thing as a best friend, and a few more things. I guess that the way I act in front of friends had started when I entered High School. I had been home schooled from 5th grade to 9th grade, and my mom finally got sick of me cheating. So in 10th grade I was enrolled in a "Christian" school. I had already had a reputation at this school because my sister had went there a few years before me and was involved in an incident involving her boyfriend, some stolen money, and the sheriff's department. Do you see the trend in my family?lol But I got there and since I didn't know how to act around people, I just started telling y personal information to them, which on the second day there earned me the nickname "Slappy Rickey". The nickname was given to me by someone who would have been my first fistfight had he not quit going there the next day. But my first day antics got me a couple of good friends, who took me under their evil wing. There were a few incidents that first year, none that got me in trouble, but I do seem to remember a girl I had a crush on knocking on a hotel room door, me in the shower, and my friends having put soap in the shower floor and opening the bathroom door when they opened the door to talk to the girls. Surprise surprise...I fell and all the girls heard was a loud THUMP!!! and my two friends laughing their butts off at the door. There were plenty of other fun moments that year.

But, now that I was out of my shell, a new year arose and the school had made some changes which included hiring a principal, one that knew I could do more with myself and saw me do some iffy things that she had instantly deemed bad. Things like picking on this one really annoying kid who would not leave me and my friends alone. One day when I was skipping school, my one friend actually slapped him in the face. Another day we threw corndog sticks at him because he refused to even sit in the same lunchroom with us, my friend who didn't even do anything got in more trouble than me, and I'm the one who threw the sticks. One more time is when the annoying kid was punching me in the gym one day and right as I turned around and only threatened to hit back, down the stairs walked the principal who saw nothing before this. I think I even got an ISS (In School Suspension) this year.

On to my senior year where I was one of 3 in my senior class, in a new school that had a big difference in beliefs with me. It started out with me and one of my friends from the previous years, and he was expelled for saying that he partied on weekends. So I was alone with just a few people I knew well from the last school. I know I definitely got a detention this year because I didn't have my shirt tucked in 3 times, the 3rd time being messed up because I ran back in the school for 5 seconds to get my drink and the freaking secretary saw me with it un-tucked. But I served my detention with one of my good friends and we had fun "sweeping" and "vacuuming". But the day came I graduate and got the heck out of Dodge.

So there is a few life stories for you. The spelling and grammar may suck, but I don't feel like looking over all of this crap. If you want some more life stories or you want me to tell you more of the ones I have on here then leave me a comment.

The Long Overdue Truth

This blog has been on my mind for a while. I have debated with myself for the past month, causing much psychological anguish, but I guess it's time to let it out. This will contain information that most of you don't know about my past relationships.

First off there was my first, Bethany. I discussed her in My Nine Days and in some following, but I never revealed my real feelings toward her. We dated for 9 days, obviously, but during those 9 days, and even the night I asked her out, I was constantly thinking of this other girl that I had a crush on for a half a year. I of course couldn't have this girl because she was in a relationship, until a few months before me and Bethany started dating which is when she got engaged. When she got engaged I got crushed, thinking, "Wow, now I'll never know what it's like to be with her." But the whole time I was with Bethany I thought of this other girl. Well, I started to like Bethany even more day after day. Although we never got "serious", we did cuddle up on the couch in the girls dorm lobby and watched movies. What really made me mad was the way she broke up with me. The night before we broke up we were hanging out with some friends at a convienceconvenience store, one friend I had known her as having a crush on before we even started dating. On this night I knew we were going to break up because she payed more attention to him than me, she didn't even want to be near me. So I prepared myself for the break-up. The next night we were hanging out with friends and we decided to go to Denny's. We tried to get Bethany to go with us, but she stayed at the dorms. She texted her friend, who was with us, and told me to get on AOL right when I got back. I was partially excited that she wanted to talk, because as I said I knew she wanted to end our fling. And I was right, she broke up with me over the internetInternet, which even all my friends thought was shady. The thing that got me most was that she lied to me, saying that we were going too fast, but the truth was that she really wanted to go after the aformentionedaforementioned friend. There was even a letter of feelings that came into the picture, which aquiredacquired her the name of 'Psycho', behind her back. Truthfully I still call her that on occasion, but my reason is still for the break-up, and that she never has admitted the real reason she broke-up with me.

The next month I Got added to Facebook by a girl named Cara. We started talking for hours on MSN, and soon became pretty good friends. I started to go to church with her, and we eventually started dating. This relationship lasted a little bit longer, a month and a week to be specific. For the few months in between Bethany and Cara, I had forgotten about that one girl who I crushed on, but for some reason, a week after me and Cara started dating, she pranced back in my memory. We were just sitting around Cara's house, talking to her family. I then looked at the wall and saw this girl. Well the day came when me and Cara went to Princeton and the roads iced up on our way back, we went in the ditch and I knew she was scared. It didn't affect me because I knew I was losing control and I knew where we were gonna land, so I prepared myself. But the whole reason I lost control was because the back of my truck was light, but it was also because I sensed the ammountamount of distrust she had for me, and I panicked. The tension was so high on the ride back. But the weeks wound down, and one day I was in her class for the WednessdayWednesday night lesson to a few fourth graders. I had been noticing that they didn't understand the material they were reading, so on this day I stood up and basically took over her class. I could sense that it really annoyed her, and I tried to have her answer as much as she would, but the seed of jealousy had been unintentionally planted. It really didn't help that the kids liked it when I taught better than when she did, I know this because the next week I was there they wanted me to teach. So all of the things that we went through influenced her decision to break-up with me, and I knew this all during Spring break. I got back from Spring break on the week the kids wanted me to teach. I knew for at least two weeks that the whole thing was gonna end. I was just waiting. I was actually thinking of breaking up with her. The relationship was not advancing at all in a positive direction, even my friends all said that the whole reason they were in relationships was so they could kiss, but I was barely even getting a hug. I suppose she thought I wanted something more, but I truly didn't. I was so happy with her that I barely even wanted a kiss, but I did feel we needed more. The day came and she broke up with me, again over the internetInternet, but this time I wasn't mad. I was sadder this time, but not mad. She told me that she just felt that God wanted her to be single, but I had and still have the feeling that it was all because of me, and in my mind it was. But I still didn't get beat up over it. I still talk to Cara every once in a while, but not like we used to. I just hope she takes care of herself. She's a really good girl, and a lowlife like myself doesn't deserve a girl that good. One thing is that I don't have any bad thoughts about her.

One more thing I didn't mention is the fact that I have come to grips with the fact that the one girl is engaged. I'm not completlycompletely over her, but I am a lot better than I was.

Well, that's all I really have to say. I would like to say to the two girls mentioned in this that I did not write this to hurt you, in fact it's hurting me to write this. I just wanted you to have a peace of mind. I also did this as a way to come to terms with our break-ups. And now, I look to the future. The friendships I can now have with the two of you, and the relationships I will come to enjoy.