Happy #30!!! (In so many words)

It's been quite hectic in my life right now. I can safely assume that this is the worst semester of college for me so far, and this is only the first month. It all started when I got here, I had a few classes, and during the first session of my fourth class I received some painful news. That news was that a friend of mine, Frank Sebree, had passed on to be with the Lord. Me and Frank weren't best friends, he was in his 50's, a veteran, a pastor, just coming to OCU for a little further education. Then the weekend before school started he went in for hernia surgery, and his heart couldn't take it. The moment I heard the words, "We begin this class on a sad note. Over the weekend Frank Sebree, a student here, passed on to be with the Lord." I just froze and I literally felt an emptiness in my heart. It felt as if there was a little pop in my heart, and I just sat there with water welling up in my eyes. I nearly got out of my seat and ran to the bathroom to cry. But, I lived on, going to my last class and surprisingly I never cried. I wanted to so bad, but I never did.

I went to his visitation and experienced the same emptiness. I saw him laying there and felt horrible. Then I looked near his stomach and saw his Bible, and this made me happy, and I thought to myself only one thing. I thought, "I wonder if he'll meet my PaPa in Heaven?", and I saw the two of them running through the greenest grass I have ever seen, and I saw them praising God forever, and I smiled. Then I just went and sat in a pew for a while. His family came up to me and asked about how I knew him, and it shocked me because none of them were physically sad, not like I was. hey were happy that Frank found his home, and I saw that and smiled. I got sad again and that is when one of Frank's children or grandchildren asked me, "Why are you sad?" I just sat there and thought about that and realized that I had no reason to be sad. And the moment I left that church sanctuary, I was happy, because I knew Frank had the peace he always wanted. I keep the bulletin from the funeral posted on the board in my room in memory of him.

We go from death to technology. I know that it seems like quite a leap, but you have no idea how many times I have made this leap in the last month. It started the first full week of school, when my computer displayed for me the "Blue Screen of Death". It is called this for a reason. Windows has this little thing where it likes to work for 3 years and then just suddenly die (See, It's not that big of a leap after all). So I had to be computer-less for around a week or so, reverting back to my primal instincts which is mooching, and this was no easy task. I ordered a new recovery disk so that I could have it fixed, then told my mom the whole situation, and we made the decision that I needed a new computer. Now seeing as how Windows XP was basically outlawed a few weeks before, I was getting a Vista (I hate Vista in case you didn't know). So the day after I got my Recovery CD, I got my new computer. It's a very nice computer, and for the first few days I enjoyed Vista. But, after I got used to it and started enjoying it, it turned into Satan's advocate. It will occasionally freeze, and it had this annoying thing where the volume would appear on the screen as I turned it up and down on the keyboard, and it didn't want to go away for about a minute, and this froze my applications until it went away. But, it is a nice computer and I love it.

I then had a nice computer, a bed to sleep on, and a pocket full of dreams. As you can probably tell, I was doing good. I then went straight downhill when I realized, I cannot make or receive phone calls on my cell phone. To say the least, I was mad. So for the last few weeks I have been trying to convince AT&T that my phone would only work when IT wanted to. I'm finally getting a replacement phone tomorrow, which I hope it's the phone and not the SIM card because I don't want to go another two weeks trying to borrow someone Else's phone, trying to call the phone company, so that I can get a phone that works, meanwhile missing calls that are potentially important. So I have been struggling with technology lately.

The next thing, oh yes...there's more, is the fact that I have to live not just my life, but the lives of others. I have great times with my friends, but I become so attached that when they have a hard time, I have a hard time as well, and it seems as though lately that my friends have had a lot of hard times, whether it is through losing girlfriends, or losing patience. But, in all seriousness my friends need a lot of prayer. Another issue It looks as if I will have to deal with is losing friends. It seems as if all my friends want to transfer out of here for their own personal reasons. This just kills me because I have only a few close friends, and they are either moving away, sad, or doing things I don't like. So just remember this in your prayers.

I didn't go into details on some of this for a reason, so if you know what the reason is, or even have an idea, keep in to yourself. I mainly just wrote this because I needed a bit of a relief and it always soothes me a little when I write. I know there are a lot of spelling errors, but I rally don't want to read through this, it's too dang long. Now what I will look for is a nice place where I can be completely alone for a pretty long time so I can try and work through some of these issues more. I haven't had a really good cry in months, maybe near a year. So I leave you with this one thing. I made a promise to myself the Sunday before I left. I went to the altar and asked God to help me and my friends as we finished out the year. I have not been helping myself though. So I will try and straighten up a bit more. I will try not to sweat the small stuff, I will try not to become as sad as I have been, or as mad as I have been. So, I leave you now saying I love you all, and I would appreciate any prayers you might be willing to say.

Who are You?

For some reason I was just sitting here thinking of a new blog entry, and I didn't know what to put. So I sat here and thought for a few seconds about my other blog entries and it reminded me of my life. I couldn't help but ask myself, how did I get here? How did I become this person I am? How will I become the person I want to be? What made me so cynical, so much of a narcissist? How did I turn into such a negative person?

As I type this I am still thinking of the paths I took to become the way I am. I suppose the first place anyone starts is with their home life and childhood. Well, I was the youngest of 4, my brother was never around, so the only male contact I had was with my dad who was always working in the daytime. I still got to spend plenty of time with him and I have always looked up to him, but I never really enjoyed the things he had done. My love for baseball didn't come until I was put into little league, and I hated it then because that was the point in life where I started gaining weight and I couldn't breathe when I ran. I have always dreamed of playing a game of catch with my dad just because of the way it is portrayed on the television, but I'm really happy doing woodworking with him instead. The other two siblings are obviously girls, with my brother being the oldest. My sisters have always tortured me, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Whether it was eating yellow snow in the kitchen, hanging from a ceiling fan by my red overalls, or being locked in a suitcase when me and Heather were doing a magic trick for my mom, these are the memories I love.

I was also in boy scouts which I gave up on because I got mad at some people who either wouldn't leave me alone or who I thought lied to me. One good instance I remember in this time was when the scout troop was having a meeting at our leaders house. The meeting had finished and we were free to play around their yard until our parents picked us up. At this point and time I really had a huge crush on this one girl from my church, and a good friend of mine, my best friend at the time, who had previously stolen from me had taken her a few weeks after I told him I liked this girl, so naturally I was upset. Well the day at the meeting I went and jumped on the scout leader's trampoline. I eventually got tired and sad because I was thinking of this girl, she was constantly on my mind. So I sat on the trampoline and started pouting. Well, another scout from my troop came and got on the trampoline and saw me crying. He asked me if I was alright and I told him that I was just a little sad. But he kept bugging me even after I told him to go away, he even told me that he wanted to be a psychologist when he grew up and that he could help me. What I said next is kinda fuzzy, always has been, but I said something along the lines of wanting to kill the boy from my youth group, out of anger that he had "stolen" this girl from me. Well the kid on the trampoline finally left me alone after I said this and he went and told his mom that I wanted to kill my youth group. They then informed the sheriff's department who paid me a visit and had my mom bring me to the juvenile detention center to be questioned by the cops. All of this time I just wanted to be left alone to sulk, but people just kept letting themselves in. They asked me what I said and I told them, but even when my mom asked me about the girl I never revealed the truth. I still never admitted it to this day. But that left me crying, and it also made me believe that the only reason I wasn't left in juvy hall that day was because I got out of it balling my eyes out like a newborn. A week later my brother came to visit and called me little mister columbine or something like that because he read the sheriff's report. By the way, genius didn't turn out to be a psychologist. Instead he is working at the ambulance service with my dad.lol Good karma there.

Even before this there was an event that happened that caused my distrust in people. Once again I had a big crush on this one girl in grade school and everyone knew about it. But I guess my best friend at this time didn't know about it because I told him one day on the bus that I liked her and a few days later he suddenly developed a big crush on her. And of course there was the girl at Camp Allen I had noticed and had a crush on. I met another guy there and we started hanging out and teaching each other card games and we grew close. Well one night we were in the chapel getting ready for the service to start and he pointed out the girl in lime green clothes, she apparently liked lime green clothes because she wore them all week, and told me that he had developed a little bit of a crush on her. We l hadn't told him that I had a crush on her, but that didn't stop me from standing up, knocking a chair over, and running to the back of the room to get away from him.

Just in these last few stories I see a few things that are popping up. My anger, my mistrust, my narcissism, my pessimism, my disbelief in such a thing as a best friend, and a few more things. I guess that the way I act in front of friends had started when I entered High School. I had been home schooled from 5th grade to 9th grade, and my mom finally got sick of me cheating. So in 10th grade I was enrolled in a "Christian" school. I had already had a reputation at this school because my sister had went there a few years before me and was involved in an incident involving her boyfriend, some stolen money, and the sheriff's department. Do you see the trend in my family?lol But I got there and since I didn't know how to act around people, I just started telling y personal information to them, which on the second day there earned me the nickname "Slappy Rickey". The nickname was given to me by someone who would have been my first fistfight had he not quit going there the next day. But my first day antics got me a couple of good friends, who took me under their evil wing. There were a few incidents that first year, none that got me in trouble, but I do seem to remember a girl I had a crush on knocking on a hotel room door, me in the shower, and my friends having put soap in the shower floor and opening the bathroom door when they opened the door to talk to the girls. Surprise surprise...I fell and all the girls heard was a loud THUMP!!! and my two friends laughing their butts off at the door. There were plenty of other fun moments that year.

But, now that I was out of my shell, a new year arose and the school had made some changes which included hiring a principal, one that knew I could do more with myself and saw me do some iffy things that she had instantly deemed bad. Things like picking on this one really annoying kid who would not leave me and my friends alone. One day when I was skipping school, my one friend actually slapped him in the face. Another day we threw corndog sticks at him because he refused to even sit in the same lunchroom with us, my friend who didn't even do anything got in more trouble than me, and I'm the one who threw the sticks. One more time is when the annoying kid was punching me in the gym one day and right as I turned around and only threatened to hit back, down the stairs walked the principal who saw nothing before this. I think I even got an ISS (In School Suspension) this year.

On to my senior year where I was one of 3 in my senior class, in a new school that had a big difference in beliefs with me. It started out with me and one of my friends from the previous years, and he was expelled for saying that he partied on weekends. So I was alone with just a few people I knew well from the last school. I know I definitely got a detention this year because I didn't have my shirt tucked in 3 times, the 3rd time being messed up because I ran back in the school for 5 seconds to get my drink and the freaking secretary saw me with it un-tucked. But I served my detention with one of my good friends and we had fun "sweeping" and "vacuuming". But the day came I graduate and got the heck out of Dodge.

So there is a few life stories for you. The spelling and grammar may suck, but I don't feel like looking over all of this crap. If you want some more life stories or you want me to tell you more of the ones I have on here then leave me a comment.

The Long Overdue Truth

This blog has been on my mind for a while. I have debated with myself for the past month, causing much psychological anguish, but I guess it's time to let it out. This will contain information that most of you don't know about my past relationships.

First off there was my first, Bethany. I discussed her in My Nine Days and in some following, but I never revealed my real feelings toward her. We dated for 9 days, obviously, but during those 9 days, and even the night I asked her out, I was constantly thinking of this other girl that I had a crush on for a half a year. I of course couldn't have this girl because she was in a relationship, until a few months before me and Bethany started dating which is when she got engaged. When she got engaged I got crushed, thinking, "Wow, now I'll never know what it's like to be with her." But the whole time I was with Bethany I thought of this other girl. Well, I started to like Bethany even more day after day. Although we never got "serious", we did cuddle up on the couch in the girls dorm lobby and watched movies. What really made me mad was the way she broke up with me. The night before we broke up we were hanging out with some friends at a convienceconvenience store, one friend I had known her as having a crush on before we even started dating. On this night I knew we were going to break up because she payed more attention to him than me, she didn't even want to be near me. So I prepared myself for the break-up. The next night we were hanging out with friends and we decided to go to Denny's. We tried to get Bethany to go with us, but she stayed at the dorms. She texted her friend, who was with us, and told me to get on AOL right when I got back. I was partially excited that she wanted to talk, because as I said I knew she wanted to end our fling. And I was right, she broke up with me over the internetInternet, which even all my friends thought was shady. The thing that got me most was that she lied to me, saying that we were going too fast, but the truth was that she really wanted to go after the aformentionedaforementioned friend. There was even a letter of feelings that came into the picture, which aquiredacquired her the name of 'Psycho', behind her back. Truthfully I still call her that on occasion, but my reason is still for the break-up, and that she never has admitted the real reason she broke-up with me.

The next month I Got added to Facebook by a girl named Cara. We started talking for hours on MSN, and soon became pretty good friends. I started to go to church with her, and we eventually started dating. This relationship lasted a little bit longer, a month and a week to be specific. For the few months in between Bethany and Cara, I had forgotten about that one girl who I crushed on, but for some reason, a week after me and Cara started dating, she pranced back in my memory. We were just sitting around Cara's house, talking to her family. I then looked at the wall and saw this girl. Well the day came when me and Cara went to Princeton and the roads iced up on our way back, we went in the ditch and I knew she was scared. It didn't affect me because I knew I was losing control and I knew where we were gonna land, so I prepared myself. But the whole reason I lost control was because the back of my truck was light, but it was also because I sensed the ammountamount of distrust she had for me, and I panicked. The tension was so high on the ride back. But the weeks wound down, and one day I was in her class for the WednessdayWednesday night lesson to a few fourth graders. I had been noticing that they didn't understand the material they were reading, so on this day I stood up and basically took over her class. I could sense that it really annoyed her, and I tried to have her answer as much as she would, but the seed of jealousy had been unintentionally planted. It really didn't help that the kids liked it when I taught better than when she did, I know this because the next week I was there they wanted me to teach. So all of the things that we went through influenced her decision to break-up with me, and I knew this all during Spring break. I got back from Spring break on the week the kids wanted me to teach. I knew for at least two weeks that the whole thing was gonna end. I was just waiting. I was actually thinking of breaking up with her. The relationship was not advancing at all in a positive direction, even my friends all said that the whole reason they were in relationships was so they could kiss, but I was barely even getting a hug. I suppose she thought I wanted something more, but I truly didn't. I was so happy with her that I barely even wanted a kiss, but I did feel we needed more. The day came and she broke up with me, again over the internetInternet, but this time I wasn't mad. I was sadder this time, but not mad. She told me that she just felt that God wanted her to be single, but I had and still have the feeling that it was all because of me, and in my mind it was. But I still didn't get beat up over it. I still talk to Cara every once in a while, but not like we used to. I just hope she takes care of herself. She's a really good girl, and a lowlife like myself doesn't deserve a girl that good. One thing is that I don't have any bad thoughts about her.

One more thing I didn't mention is the fact that I have come to grips with the fact that the one girl is engaged. I'm not completlycompletely over her, but I am a lot better than I was.

Well, that's all I really have to say. I would like to say to the two girls mentioned in this that I did not write this to hurt you, in fact it's hurting me to write this. I just wanted you to have a peace of mind. I also did this as a way to come to terms with our break-ups. And now, I look to the future. The friendships I can now have with the two of you, and the relationships I will come to enjoy.

The Maniacal Ramblings of a Man Unknown

Empty aggression and rage looms,
I don't see anything.
I will go blind,
Yet I find myself accepting it.
I get angry with the passing of a car,
But find serenity in my mind.
Serenity turns to rage,
I am down-trodden,
Defeated,
Unloved.
Then I go back to my childhood,
Careless,
No rage,
No need for remorse.
I hide myself in my actions,
And obliterate myself in the same way.
I have no future,
It's not time yet.
I love her,
But I can't have a chance.
So I blame the concept of love in marriage,
When it's my own faults that drive me.
Yet I don't listen to myself,
Not even now in this form.
I turn to the world.
The fat get fatter,
The rich get richer,
The poor don't matter,
This is me.
A moment of release is found,
Temporary bliss.
I turn to fear,
I turn away from God.
I turn to my worldly needs.
I am a fool.
Conformity seems so nice right now,
But in my own time I am different.
I say that but it's a lie.
I don't change,
I only forget.
I cast away the ones I love,
My anger and jealousy overwhelm me.
How can I keep going with this career?
I will not give up.
I call for help,
I sleep through the ones trying to accept that call.
Help me...

The New Generation's Praise

The devil had won,
That is for sure,
But what were his spoils?
Someone immature.

A christian unfaithful,
A sinner who was true,
A worried teenage mother-to-be,
Who had 'nothing else she could do'.

He took the blind,
He took the weak,
He took them all,
And he never even blinked.

They allowed it all,
They didn't say a thing,
They told the mother 'Your child is a bastard",
Because they knew she couldn't cling.

Not to the truth,
Only to lies,
The lies only he,
The devil provides.

But I have shown My wisdom,
I have shown My mercy,
I say that a true Christian,
Will not die because of Me.

He will stay with Me,
And I will love him.
No matter what the others say,
I will bleed for them.

My tears were like blood,
I was a human,
Scared and alone,
It was truly My end.

I did it for the sinner,
I did it for the redeemed,
I did it for that mother,
Who had no self-esteem.

I cherish her child,
Who is now here with Me,
Praising his Father,
For all of eternity.

My Dream

Last night I had a weird dream, one that I never had before. If you read this entry, please read the whole thing.

The dream started with me and my parents driving around some town that looked like it was Marion, IL. We were looking for a place to eat and we thought about Burger King, but instead we went to Sonic. For some reason my parents made me mad enough to get out of the car and walk around.

I walked to the other side of the building and went down a concrete ramp. There I saw a few white plastic tables lined up together with food on them, and surrounding them were these other round tables like the ones we have at my campus, in the Student Life Center, both tall and short. Well I went on farther forward and my parents were there at one of the short big tables. At another table that was similar to this one was a little black girl who couldn't have been more than 4.

Someone came out of the building and told us to drink whatever we wanted from the tables because they had a party scheduled and they canceled at the last minute. so we all grabbed a drink and for some reason, my parents and I started discussing racism, using a few choice offensive terms. Well this offended the girl and she proceeded to tell us off. I then called her the 'N' word and she asked me why. I explained to her that my view of people who are called the 'N' word should be called that only if they are being the stereotypical 'N', I then turned around to sit back down with my parents. She then said that she was very offended by what I said and demanded an apology. I then turned back around to her and asked her, "Do you even know why you should be offended by these things we were talking about?" There was nothing but silence for a bit, then she said, "No."

I went back to my table as if I had won the battle, but I felt her anguish. I knew that she felt horrible for not knowing why she should be offended. So I went over to her and asked her if she wanted to hear a story. She was ecstatic and quickly moved over to a tall table and chair, which had to have been about 4 feet off the ground, and the table was about 3 1/2 feet wide. Keep in mind this is a 4 year old girl. So I told her I was going to tell her the story of Jessie James, which got her very excited, which in turn got a chuckle from my mother. So I told her the story and I got her even more excited by getting into the story, just providing a little physical display when Jessie shot his guns.

It was about this time that her mother came out of the building with a little baby girl, her daughter. She saw me telling the story and interrupted me saying, "Oh please could you restart the story? I really wanna hear it." I told her, "No, just let me finish it and I'll tell it to you later." So I went on telling the story.

Halfway through the story She started trying to hug me and have me carry her, but I kept putting her back on the chair so she could stand and be face to face with me. The third time I did this I stood her up on the chair so her back was to the table. She had not fully caught her balance when I let her go, so she fell back on the table, flipped off on to the floor where she landed on her neck and continued to roll backwards, first on her belly, then to her feet, and finally she rolled right between a chair seat and the supporting bar at the bottom of it and ended up hitting her back and head against the table's support bar. She instantly died, and even though my parents and I knew this, my mom ran over and picked her up by the arm and held her. The poor girl looked like a ragdoll with no action, and no joints in her neck and arms. I was shocked at what had happened and I felt horrible. My mom then shouted at me, "I hope you're happy!", as she rushed the girl away to the hospital. The girl's mom said nothing more to me but, "Could you finish the story now?", as if she never cared about her daughter.

I then woke up and I was scared to death. It really felt as if the dream happened. I couldn't get back to sleep and it really made me think about the views I have and what I used to believe. The reason I wrote this is for you all to look at the world today. There are so many people who are like the mother in this, living in a world where nothing is sacred, not even a human life. Also, take a look at yourselves. Many people have the views that I had in my dream, and I see that this is wrong.

I just felt I should share this with you. Comment if you want, but just read the whole thing. I apologize if this has offended you, but we can't control our dreams. Please tell me your thoughts, I would love to hear your opinions.

5 Weeks

Well, I made it five weeks with my newest girlfriend, Cara Hunt. Yep, I made it past 9 days. It was a fun time, and it ended pretty well, we are still gonna be friends. Other than that there's only a few more weeks of school left this semester. The work is starting to pile on, but I can get a handle on it. Today was a pretty awesome day, with the exception of the breakup. I got to practice baptism today, which I thought was cool. I learned different techniques, and how other denominations may do it.

I recently got to go home, which was the first time all semester. It was great to see family again. I nearly cried when I had to leave my nieces and nephew. It was sad as I was leaving Missouri, but not as bad as it used to be. I guess I'm getting used to being away from home. I might even try to stay up here for all but the long breaks from now on.

Well, I can't really think of anything else to put on here, so goodbye for now. I'll try to write more for whoever wants to read it. I just couldn't think of anything to write for the past month. Well, see you all around.

Long Weekend, In More Ways Than One

Plenty of things to hammer out on this blog, so lets get into it shall we?

First off, I must be the worst roommate ever. I have had a different roommate every semester that I have been to college. This semester is unique in the fact that my roomie just dropped out halfway through the semester. So I came to the realization that since neither of my spring semester roommates were really there, maybe I should just save myself the pity and just get a single room from now on. I mean, come on, why can I not keep a roommate? It's not like I strip naked and do dances in front of them. But, oh well, I had a great time with my roommate last semester and this one, and I will miss him. I will miss him because now I have to rearrange the room by myself, and he was the person who would take me places at 1 in the morning. I guess I need some more night owl friends.

I didn't get to go home this weekend like I had planned, but it's all good because my parents came up and saw me. The only reason I didn't like it this way was because I didn't get to see my sisters or my nieces and nephew. I was practically in tears listening to their sad voices say, "I miss you Uncle Rick. When are you gonna come home?" There really is nothing like the innocence of a child. I love my nieces and my nephew. Another bad thing about being up at college all the time is the fact that I miss when they start to crawl and walk. Two weeks after I came back up to college, I called my parents and they said that my nephew will now crawl over to a chair or something, stand up, and walk around holding on to it. I think I cried when I heard that because I wasn't there to see it, and his father was working in Colorado at the time, so he didn't get to watch it for the first time either. But, if all goes according to plan, I'll get to go home at least once this semester next month. I'm going to try and get down there on the 19th of March, and I will be there for a week and a half basically.

But, as I said my parents came to visit me. They came up here on Saturday morning and left Sunday afternoon. I was glad to see them again. We went shopping, we ate, and they stayed the night in Princeton. On Sunday morning we went to church at the church I usually go to up here. I brought them thinking my friend Cara would be there, cause we've been hanging out a lot lately, and she wanted to meet my parents. When I got there, I was told that she was stranded in Evansville with her Grandparents. The roads were slick on Friday and she wanted to go see her aunt there who was visiting, so her uncle came and got her so she didn't have to brave the slick roads herself. But me being the horrible friend I am didn't bother to call her and tell her I stayed in Oakland, so she tried to get a ride back to meet up with me and my parents, but couldn't. So after church me and my parents were going out to eat, and her parents decided that they would pick her up and join us. So we ate lunch together, and it was awkward at first, but I smoothed out.

One thing that happened today that I found hilarious was when I was at church, I went to Sunday school. My parents came later for church and I was going to meet them. So I was going into the sanctuary and I met the pastor along the way. He told me that my parents were already in the sanctuary and he was glad they came. So I walked away going into the sanctuary, and as I turned from him he said to me, "I'm sorry your girlfriend stood you up." I was shocked at this statement because we're not really going out. But I'm glad someone finally told me that we were. I talked to Cara about it and it seems as though many people at her church think we're dating.

But, that's it for now. If I remember anything later I'll tell ya. Comment if you like, you should know the rest of my ramble by now, the whole my opinions and your opinions stuff.

ps - YAY!!! Spellcheck is working!

pps - I didn't realize that I had spellcheck the whole time on my Google toolbar. ;(

My Eden

In the beginning, Adam and Eve were in a wonderful place. This was before sin, before feelings, before all of us. I've been thinking about Eden lately. I know that there is no place like the original Eden, at least until you get to Heaven. So I've been thinking about a place that is "as good as it gets". My Eden would be a nice beachside spot, with plenty of palm trees, a crystal clear ocean. It would be warm with not much humidity. I would be there alone except for the one girl that makes me happy. I would have an IBC Root Beer and my laptop, for entertainment. My nieces and nephew would have to be there, just for the extra peace of a child. I would just sit, lounge, and watch the paradise move by. There would be rain, but not that often, maybe 2-3 times a week. I would have a way to get to civilization, just for socialization purposes, but no one could get in unless I allowed it. I would live in a lovly house, that me and my dad built. It would have a stone walkway, marble counters, a master bed and bath, and a couple extra rooms, and 1 1/2 more baths. The living room would be large, with a nice tv, not many channels, just the ones I like. It would have an amazing view of the ocean, so I can enjoy the ocean side, and the rain, and the wildlife whenever I want. The skies would be mostly clear, but at times with many beautiful clouds. The sunset would be like that of a painting. The seagulls would roam the beach all the time and I would occasionally collect their feathers for decoration. This would be a rough draft of my Eden.

Please, tell me your description of YOUR Eden. I don't care if you say anything of mine. Just remember, Eden isn't as far as you may think. Just think about it. It is there, just grasp it.

By the way, when you comment, please don't make it a religious debate or anything stupid (such comments will be deleted). This is simply food for thought and contemplation.

The Beast Within

I decided that I wanted to write a new blog, but I didn't know what I wanted to say. So I just started writting, and the following poem/story came out. Enjoy, and spread the word.



The Beast Within

His eyes are glowing red
He has an oversized head
The beast feeds on pain
And comes in the rain
If you're covered with sin
Then its feast begins
On a sinner plagued with grief
The beast again feasts
Never overcome with remorse
Never growing hoarse
The beast just roams
And enters the homes
Of a people at play
With sex, drugs, and things far away
From a perfect Christian life
But it's perfect, in the worlds sight
Of a person with great strife
The beast takes delight
And never knowing a fact
The church does not act
The beast helps the child
Who was once so weak and mild
He makes him stronger for HIS will
And teachs him to KILL
Oh the pain he will cause
Just because of the flaws
But still his family grieves
When even they themselves, would not belive
No one tried to help
They just stepped aside, and let the beast overwhelm
Now there's another soul in hell
Another tale, that a child, won't live to tell
Because the beast then takes the friends
Saying the fault lies with them
As the dust settles on one
Another is formed to run
And the torch that was lit
Never burns out, it never quits
And the beast that has always lived
Lives forever, within the sins
The sins of its victims who fell so simply
To the beast's advice, and to his sympathy
Now all that was, is dead for no reason
Not another day, not another season
Why oh why did no one listen?
Why did they not see, the inner-beast glisten?
Why is the world so much like hell?
Why do we listen to the dark beast's yell?
It's because we have given up all that is true
The ones that truly love, are now very few
And the ones that say, that they will never grow old
Are dust in the wind, and their story is never told.
Amen

These Feelings of Mine

I've had a variation of feelings lately, and I hate some of them, while I love the others. I feel as if I am losing my friends right now. There has been a lot of drama in the inner circle I was hanging out with, so I distanced myself from it. But even before then they never invited me to anything, they never wanted me to go along, or they just assumed I already knew what they were doing. It really upset me when they did this, that is why I didn't feel bad when I left them. Don't get me wrong, I am still "friends" with them, but whether I like it or not, and whether they know it or not, our friendship will never be the same.

I feel like I am losing one of my better friends, my roommate. He has been out of it latly talking to this girl he met online. It seems lately there has been this tension between us thatcould easily be solved with us talking about it, but neither us us will start the conversation. It's just the fact that I've seen stuff like this happen before, or a variation of it. My brother was once close to a girl over the internet and he decided to go live with her. It was very hard for me sitting at that bus stop waving goodbye to him, but he was just so happy. A week later he called and said he wanted to come back home because once he got there, the girl never hung out with him or talked to him. I cried when I heard this for 2 reasons. One was because I was so happy he was coming home, and the second reason was because I knew he was sad. I couldn't stand to see him crushed. But when he got home, he just smiled at me and gave me a hug. He was just happy to be home. I supose whenever I see my roommate talking to this girls for hours on end, I just see my brother, and I see myself just sitting there crying. But, I guess it all relates back to a song. All we are is dust in the wind, and I just hate change.

I feel as if I have been losing my mind lately. I see all of the things I have talked about happening, and I can't help but be sad about it. I just wish that time would stand still sometimes, just so I could sit back and accept the change. But I will continue to look to God. I know that the only reason I am here to experience all the change is because of Him.

One more feeling I was not sure if I wanted to put on here is my feeling of love for this one person. I pretty much just met them a few weeks ago, but it seems I am closer to them than to anyone else right now. And the sad part is that we've only physically met a handful of times. I'm not sure what I want of this right now, or why I even posted this, but I just want you to know that you are a great friend, and I value the time we have spent together.

So, there ya go. I'm sure I'll post some more blogs soon, but that's enough for now.


p.s - I currently cannot check my spelling for some reason, so I apologize for the errors I may have mad in the recent blogs.

Roll On

I just recently listened to the new Kid Rock album, and I love it. It has a lot of his old style of music, along with many new styles. I have already found a favorite song off the album. The name of it, for all you illegal downloading junkies, is Roll On. It is about the metamorphasis of life. One particular line in it is when he states, "And I swear that times a trick, it disappears and oh so quick, man I was just sixteen and now I'm staring at thirty-six." It is amazing how true this can be. It seems like just yesterday I was just getting my drivers permit and now I am running rampant all over. Just think about how time is always flying by. You will realize that there is not as much time on earth as you once thought.

Good Day

Today was a pretty good day, so good that I didn't want this morning to end. I went to church this morning, and I felt the Spirit moving in the church I went to, more than I felt in the one I went to last week. Last week, I felt Him moving in the youth of the church, but this week I felt Him in the congregation. I saw and heard those go to the altar to pray, I felt God in my worship, and I saw Him in the preaching. This was not the first time I went to this church, and won't be the last either, but I went a year ago, and I didn't feel anything in the service. I went this morning and noticed a difference. The sad thing is that the first time I came to this church; I loved it because it reminded me of my home church, and it still does.

Well, I was invited to church by this one girl I have been talking with a lot lately. She is a great friend, and I'm glad to say I've got to know her more today. After church we went to Princeton to eat. I then spent a lot of tonight talking to her, and her sister, on MSN. Well, that's all I really want to say about that right now. I would appreciate if you all, who would possibly comment on here, to keep this paragraph out of your comment out of respect for her. I don't know her well enough to let my friends and family pick her apart like you do. Maybe later Heather.lol

But the topper on this day was the Super Bowl. The New York Giants stomped the Patriots. The only bad part about it was that they didn't break Tom Brady's leg. Maybe next year huh? But I just love the fact that the history books will read, "2007-08 New England Patriots, 18-1 *They lost the Super Bowl to the New York Giants." Don't ya just love asterisks? Just ask Barry Bonds how he feels about em.lol So it was a good day.

It really put my mind to ease on a lot of things. Until next time just remember, these are all my opinions. I simply put them out for you to consider, and I am anxious to hear your opinions as well.

A Religious Exert

So, I have realized that I have not posted anything religious on here. My mom sent me an email of the Wednesday, January 23 edition of Today's Turning Point, with David Jeremiah. I feel compelled to share this with you. Please just look at the poem and take it to heart.



The Ten Commandments


He declared to you His covenant which He commanded you to perform, the Ten Commandments; and He wrote them on two tablets of stone.
Deuteronomy 4:13

Recommended Reading Exodus 20:1-17

In the Ten Commandments, the infinite character and holy requirements of God are reduced and recorded for our welfare. They're the foundation of ethics, and obeying them is the secret of happiness. So eternally true yet so simple! An old English verse states them like this:

Above all else love God alone;
Bow down to neither wood nor stone.
God's name refuse to take in vain;
The Sabbath rest with care maintain.
Respect your parents all your days;
Hold sacred human life always.
Be loyal to your chosen mate;
Steal nothing, neither small nor great.
Report, with truth, your neighbor's deed;
And rid your mind of selfish greed. —McGuffey Reader

These are rules, not to hinder our happiness, but to teach us how to live our lives to the fullest.
Read His instructions with great care and you will see behind the initial "no" an eternal "yes."
Stephen V. Rexroat

Clarification (Warning, You May Not Want to Read This)

So, I put up the last blog looking specifically for people to comment on it. I have no good reason why I did it, but over the past few days that people have left comments, I have found a few good reasons for it.

Austin made the comment that says, "trying to mirror things in your life to things like M&M's, Ozzy, and Van Halen will just drive you insane." Now, my question to Austin is this, Where in that entry did I say I wanted to be like this? If you read the title it says, "Facts/Beliefs". Now the way I was taught, when you use a slash(/), that means and-or. I am not reflecting my life to be like these things. I was simply stating a fact that not many people know. Trust me Austin, I'm doing better than you may think. Sorry if I have upset you.

Heather, I love you like a sister. One little secret that I meant to put on the last blog was that I love it when my sisters comment on my blogs. That tells me that they care about me, that they want me to do better. But now, it's time for some sibling rivalry, not really, I just want to comment on your comment. One thing that no one has asked me is, why do I care if people actually comment on theses things? Well, even though no one asked, I will tell. I write these blogs more as a journal style of writing. I want to look back on these years from now, or even months, and see how I was in the past. If I was miserable, I want to see how miserable I was. I know people say that you are supposed to bury the past, but the past is what got us to the point we are at today. I want to look back and see how I got to the point I am at. As for the comments, I want people to comment so I can see how much your opinions have changed me. And, if any of you have ever looked back on any of my past blogs, you would see that I value others opinions and beliefs. Even though I don't agree with all of the comments you give me, I still consider them. I believe that you must hear all sides of a belief, to know truly what you believe.

p.s - Heather, I blows my mind how you have managed to curse and then talk about God in the same sentence. Sorry, I just had to break the awkwardness.lol Love you!!!


Since I'm on a rant about blogs, since when were there rules set in stone about what you could and couldn't do on a blog? I hear people say that the purpose of blogging is about therapy or inspiration or love. But, isn't the purpose of a blog up to the blogger? I feel as if many people on the comments were telling me that I couldn't have a blog that just asked a question, or that listed my beliefs, or some random facts. So I apologize if I've offended anyone who thinks you shouldn't ask an opinion.

And what happened to the other facts or beliefs that I had on there? I thank those of you who understood the randomness of the blog, as well as the seriousness. Thank you Hollywood for agreeing with my love of Classic Rock, you are a true friend. And let me ask you all something. Did anyone ever look at this little quote,
"In any list of facts, you have to have an obvious fact thrown in somewhere, just so you can lecture people later to see if they read everything or not. It is a good way to point out liars. You can just ramble on about absolutely nothing, then ask later if they read it. When they say something totally different than what you say you could grill them about it. But I'd advise you not to do that, because they could be testing you as well."
That is word for word, unchanged people. Now, truthfully, how many people actually read that?

Ok, back to your comments. Whoever 'Gunit505' is, please tell me if you are someone I know or not. I have a few personal issues with you. By personal issues I mean I am going to teach you how to spell better.lol But seriously, refer to parts earlier in this blog about my intentions. And let me ask you something. Why did you pick this time to comment on a blog? Why did you leave your comment under a name I would not know? And why do you do this, without previously Reading my other entries?

Raymond, don't forget to comment on my blog. You always tell me to remind you, so there ya go.

And now, for the stressful part of this entry. 'Your Sister', You have said many things in your comment that will help me change. You always have a way of making me look at what I am, and what I am becoming. You are right on one thing, I do think I have some sort of mental issue that I need counseling for. I publicly admit that I have some issues that need to be worked out. I sat in a church today, and through the service, I just couldn't get into it like I used to. I don't know if it was the lack of Spirit around me, or the lack of Spirit in me. But I sat in that pew with a sad face. But when the invitation came around, I saw the youth group of the church go to the altar. I only saw the youth, I looked around and saw the people of the church with smirks on there faces. I smiled when I saw the youth, but I nearly left when I saw the rest of the congregation. So there is hope for me yet, just as there is hope for the church. Whether it be the adults of the church of today or tomorrow, there is hope. But, I love you 'Your Sister'. Just keep me in your prayers. I will get better over time mentally, and spiritually, and I'm glad to know I have friends and family on my side.

Ok, since I haven't put this in in a while, I will now. I apologize to you if anything in this blog has offended you. Just remember that this is all my opinions. I write this down with a base intention, but as I start writing, my heart takes over my thoughts, and I begin to write what I feel is right at the time. But, just keep in mind that these are my opinions, and I would love to hear yours. Because, come on, we need opinions. God gave them to us to keep up conversations and whatnot. I love you all, thank you for reading.

A Few Facts/Beliefs from a Pessimist, a Cynic, and a Narcisist

First off, the point of this is to see how many comments I will receive for this entry. This actually leads into the first fact.

It is a fact that people have not yet commented on my last blog entry that was written on the 10th of this month, but people commented on the one before it once I put it out. It is also fact that right after a few of my friends wrote a blog entry of their own, they received at least 4 comments within a few hours of it being posted.

It is a fact that last year, after I wrote a poem named "The Devil's Triumph", I was unheard from on these blogs for 5 months, and yet people still did not comment on my poem, wishing me luck through the obvious hard time I was going through.

It is true that I am like this as well, but I try to be there for people no matter what.

Since I have came to college, I have either jumped, or helped jump more cars than I ever can remember doing before.

In my blog titled "My 9 Days", I referred to a brandy glass full of M&MS, but with no brown pieces. This is from the movie Wayne's World 2, which told a story of Ozzy Osbourne saying he refused to go on stage unless he had a brandy glass full of brown M&MS. Deeper into that is an urban legend about Van Halen. When they played a show, they always brought heavy equipment. So when they sent a list of demands which also stated the weight of the equipment, they through in the clause stating that there were to be no brown M&MS in the backstage area. At one of the shows, the people didn't bother to read the contract, so the stage fell through and David Le Roth discovered brown M&MS in the back, leading to the destruction of the backstage area.

It is true that I see the glass as half-empty, just like a pessimist. But, I go even further to state that the glass is half-empty when the liquid has been let out. When liquid is added to a glass, but filled to the halfway mark, it is half-full. But, if a person doesn't know which is the true facet of this riddle, I view the glass as half-empty.

I love Classic Rock.

In any list of facts, you have to have an obvious fact thrown in somewhere, just so you can lecture people later to see if they read everything or not. It is a good way to point out liars. You can just ramble on about absolutely nothing, then ask later if they read it. When they say something totally different than what you say you could grill them about it. But I'd advise you not to do that, because they could be testing you as well.

I believe it is easier for me to get people to tell me personal things about themselves in college than it was in high school.

I'm not sure if I'm getting smarter, or the world is getting even more stupid than it was.

I have accepted that I can't spell, and my grammar is horrible.

I love my new camcorder, but I haven't used it quite as much as I wanted to.

I watch way to many bad movies.

I also like country music, and my favorite country song, right now, is You Don't Even Call Me By My Name - David Allen Coe

I am still bitter after my "relationship" with Bethany

I have no idea what kind of person I am turning into, but I know I need more of God in my life.

I love my 3 nieces and my nephew.

I have an Anatolian Shepherd, a dog, named Streak. He is a wild thing and I love him. But my dream dog is an Alaskan Husky. I want to raise one from a puppy.

I have no idea where I will end up after college. I know I will be a youth minister somewhere. I am unsure of how I will get to church when I am a youth minister. I don't know how I will be able to do my internship when that comes around. I don't know how I will support my family. I don't know if I will even have a family.

I shouldn't be at college right now. The only reason I am here right now is because of one man, Mr. Underwood. He saved my butt, and I could never repay him. I still need to treat him to dinner sometime.

I don't listen to half of what people say when I'm watching TV or playing on the computer.

I started this blog 50+ minutes ago, and so far one person has commented on my last blog, for fear that I will go on a rampage that nobody comments on my blogs.

Sometimes on MSN or AIM, I like to put a crazy remark on a chat session with one of my friends, and then I say, "Whoops, nevermind. Wrong Convo." Just now I really did put something in the wrong conversation.

I think that people don't like to comment on my blogs, because they are to long and they don't feel like reading them.

I am paranoid, and I constantly think that people are talking about me behind my back.

Well, that's enough for now. I have more of these, but I'll put them on some other time. Thanks for reading, and don't forget to comment.

A New Year, A New Beginning

Well, another year started back at old OCU. This year is different than last year in some ways, but in other ways it is still just horrible. One good thing about this year is that I am coming into it with many new friends, and even though I know I will lose some at the end of the semester, I will still have a lot. That is, if my friends get there butts in gear. But, I rung in the new year at home with my friend Mario, then, later that week, I went to my high school friend's wedding. Then I came back to school, and even though I don't really like many of my classes, I am still striving to attend them and make good grades.

One of the worst parts of this new year is the loss of my good friend James. He and his wife bought a house 40 minutes away from here, so I feel as if I have lost my confidante. He is a really great friend, and I truly miss him dearly. Wow, I just realized something. Last year around this time is when Jeremy and Karen moved away, and now I lost James and Beth. And of course, last year at this time is when James and Beth got married. This year, my high school buddy, as well as my friend from youth, got married on the same day. It will be interesting to see what the new year will bring, but more interesting than that is what next year will start with.

And I suppose I should state what my New Years resolution is. As I said last year, my resolution was to gain more confidence in myself and get a girl. Well, if you read my last blog, you will see I had my 9 days of fulfillment, but I don't think I really gained a lot of confidence. I'm not sure why I think that, but I just feel as if I could improve. I'm not sure what my new resolution will be. I suppose I will make it to grow closer to God again. I openly admit my backsliding. Over the past years I have given up hope in God, lusted, basically did everything the Bible says is wrong. But, I will change all of that this year, and I will make the resolution for the rest of my years to continue this path. Since I have "dated" Bethany, I feel as if I have improved myself a little. It only took 9 days for God to show me how happy I can be. I see that the happiness I felt with her is only a small fraction of the happiness and love that God gives me.

I would Like to end this by saying thank you to God for my pain, my pleasure, my sadness, my happiness, my anger, my mellowness, my deceit, my deception, my enemies, my friends, my family, and all of my experiences. God put us on this earth, not only to worship Him, but to enjoy the life that He has given us. We are to enjoy the depressions as much as the happiness. I have experienced much of life already, and I know I have much more to go through. But, I will keep in God, and trust Him with my life.